Time Well Spent Read online

J. Richard Singleton

  Copyright 2002

  FADE IN:

  EXT. A LOS ANGELES SIDESTREET - DAY

  Two teens, SETH ANDERSON and RUSS MOORE, are standing at

  opposite ends of the street. LOWRIDER BIKES leaning against

  them, they’re wearing ridiculous make-shift “armor”-they’ve

  strapped and duct-taped PIE TINS and metal GARBAGE

  CANS to their torsos. They have METAL BUCKETS over their

  heads and are holding MOPS at their sides.

  SETH

  (to Russ)

  BUCKETHEAD! Thou art a villain!

  RUSS

  (to Seth)

  Thou dareth call me a villain, Sir

  Sticksalot?

  SETH

  Yes, I dareth. Thou are a most unsavory

  naïve and a liar and an unworthy receiver

  of camaraderie!

  RUSS

  Thou calleth me a liar?

  SETH

  Yes I doth.

  RUSS

  I do not but speaketh the truth--to bring

  forth the truth to yond blind eyes. I hath

  did this now, and always have--em--eth.

  SETH

  Don’t thou peeth on my leg and tellth me

  it’s rain.

  RUSS

  I peeth not!

  SETH

  “Peeth not,” you say?

  RUSS

  That’s what I saideth!

  SETH

  Then defend doth!

  He gets on his low rider, kicks off and starts riding with

  the mop outwards like a lance. Russ does the same.

  WIDE OUT

  The two are heading for a collision course with each

  other--they are jousting(!) The two strike each other,

  sending them both to the pavement. They get up. Seth

  strikes Russ’ armor. Russ returns the blow. Seth sweeps him

  with the “staff,” sending him to the floor once again. He

  begins hitting him on the pail with the staff. After

  several moments, Russ begins shaking his arms and Seth

  stops striking him.

  RUSS

  (pleading)

  Okay! Stop, stop! Lysandra’s not a skank.

  SETH

  That’s right.

  RUSS

  Right.

  There’s a moment of silence.

  SETH

  Let’s go get some tacos then.

  EXT. TACO BELL DRIVE THRU - DAY

  Seth and Russ pull up to the Taco Bell ORDER BOX in Seth’s

  dilapidated CAR. Seth stares at the MENU in mock

  contemplation.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  Hello and welcome to Taco Bell, how may I

  serve you?

  SETH

  (into com)

  Huh? What did you say? “How may I service

  you?”

  Seth and Russ giggle idiotically.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  Yeah, how may I serve you?

  SETH

  (into com)

  Hey, look, buddy, I just came here for some

  chalupas, not for some freaky male hooker

  sex stuff. Now maybe if there’s a chick

  somewhere in there...

  The two breakout laughing. For a moment, the Tacobell Guy

  doesn’t get what the hell they’re laughing about.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com, pissed)

  Look, if you want something, order now or

  go jogoff!

  SETH

  (into com)

  “Jogoff”? Heh relax, fella, don’t get your

  hairnet in a knot. I’ll have 20 tacos--five

  hard, twelve soft, surprise me with the

  last three. Three Nachos Bell Grandes,

  eight chalupas, twelve bean burritos and a

  small Diet Pepsi, heavy ice.

  RUSS

  Ha. "Hard."

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  That’s not a real order!

  SETH

  (into com)

  Yeah, sure it is. Do you think I’d come

  to a fine eatery establishment such as

  this--I had to choose between this and

  Spago and I chose this, I tell you what--just

  to place a fake order and drive off

  laughing? Now here’s what you do: Get making

  that order right now so when we drive up,

  we’ll be good and ready to pay and go.

  More laughing.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  You goddamn sonsofbitches!

  The two laugh hysterically and speed up, around the drive

  thru. When they get around it, they see there is a long

  line to the pickup window. Standing outside of the pickup

  window is a LARGE TACOBELL EMPLOYEE holding and patting a

  BASEBALL BAT, waiting.

  RUSS

  Damn.

  SETH

  Okay, we’ll just back out.

  He shifts the car into reverse and drives back around the

  corner but then quickly slams on the brakes. They get as

  far as the order box. There is a car pulling into the

  driveway-- they are blocked in. The Radioguy is LAUGHING

  manically in his squeaky teenage voice.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  Forty tacos you say?

  SETH

  (into com)

  No, dude. Twenty.

  TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

  (over com)

  I think it’s forty now.

  Shrill LAUGHING, this time from the order box. Seth and

  Russ are screwed.

  EXT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE - EVENING

  It’s a large, upscale suburban home. Seth pulls up to the

  corner and gets out. Clothes and other personal belongings

  are falling from the sky. Seth looks up in confusion. The

  pretty hot LYSANDRA, draped in a robe and hair all messed

  up, is throwing stuff from a second-story balcony. She goes

  back into her room. He looks up.

  SETH

  Lysandra, what are you doing?

  She again appears on the balcony.

  LYSANDRA

  I don’t believe you--I just don’t believe

  you!!!

  She throws a CD PLAYER to the ground; it lands at his feet.

  SETH

  What? C’mon, I brought you tacos.

  She goes back inside.

  SETH (CONT’D)

  What’s the problem? You're acting like a

  black woman in a movie written by a black

  woman--or Tyler Perry!

  She comes out again, this time tossing some COMIC BOOKS

  down atop him.

  LYSANDRA

  What’s the problem? What’s the problem? The

  problem is 10 years we’ve been going

  together and do you have any dreams? Do you

  have any aspirations? No!

  SETH

  Yeah, but nothing’s wrong,
is it?

  LYSANDRA

  That’s it--that’s what’s wrong: Nothing!

  You’re The Nothing!

  POV - LYSANDRA

  She’s looking down on him.

  LYSANDRA (O.S.)

  Here’s your copy of the Kama Sutra!

  A thin BOOK falls from the sky to the ground. Seth bends

  down to pick it up.

  SETH

  But didn’t this supply us with hours upon

  hours of aerobic-rotic fun?

  LYSANDRA (O.S.)

  Here’s your crappy VH1 “Making Of...”

  video.

  The VIDEO falls to the ground at Seth’s feet. He picks it

  up and holds it skyward, to Lysandra.

  SETH

  Hey, this isn’t crappy! It’s Britney

  Spears! Back when it was all about the

  music--and back when VHS was a viable

  media! Shows what you know! Now get down

  here, and we can talk more about your

  feelings on VHS and the works of Britney

  Spears!

  A 13” TV SET lands on his head. Seth manages to half catch

  it, but a good amount of force is still there, knocking him

  to the ground, legs spread out like a dead man’s.

  LYSANDRA (O.S.)

  Here’s your television.

  After a moment...

  SETH (O.S.)

  Ow. My tacos.

  INT. A DENNY’S - EVENING

  Seth and Russ are at the counter. Russ is SLURPING a

  MILKSHAKE. Seth is bemoanfully staring at his forehead with

  the shiny side of a NAPKIN HOLDER.

  SETH (CONT’D)

  Jesus, this is awful! I’m going to have

  “RCA” across my forehead for the rest of my

  life!

  Russ stops drinking for a moment to look at Seth’s forehead.

  RUSS

  Oh, no, no you won’t. You’ll have A-C-R.

  He continues to drink.

  SETH

  Oh, man, “acre”! That’s worse. At least

  “RCA” makes sense! (beat) Somewhat.

  Russ stops drinking.

  RUSS

  Look, dude, you had it coming. I told you

  time after time: Lysandra’s a ho.

  SETH

  No, don’t call her a ho...

  RUSS

  Why not? She is a ho. Her favorite

  gardening instrument is also the ho.

  Around Christmastime, all she says is "ho

  ho ho." That's all I got now--but my

  general observation is that she tried to

  kill you with a television, man!

  SETH

  I did wish it had been a flatscreen.

  RUSS

  You should've spent the extra 50 bucks.

  But my point is, she's a ho, and I calls

  it like I sees it.

  SETH

  What about when we get back together?

  RUSS

  Not going to get back together.

  SETH

  What about last May?

  RUSS

  Last May was last May. You’re a senior now.

  A senior in high school. Every relationship

  you have at this point you’ll have for the

  rest of your life.

  SETH

  Oh, that’s not true, what about all those

  people you meet in college-

  RUSS

  (interrupting)

  No, sorry, that’s it, the end. You and I,

  we'll be friends for the rest of our

  lives--nothing to be done about it--

  because we were friends in high school.

  There’s a moment of reflection as Russ continues to SLURP

  his milkshake.

  SETH

  Well, that kinda sucks.

  RUSS

  Yeah, well, you’re going to die lonely;

  what can you do about it?

  Russ gets up and stretches. Seth sits looking pitiful.

  RUSS (CONT’D)

  Oh, buck up--say, wanna pretend we’re blind

  and go get some textbooks recorded for us

  on tape?

  SETH

  Maybe tomorrow.

  RUSS

  You see, there’s the spirit, always

  looking towards the future. You helped me

  through my...(beat)...problem...

  FLASHBACK

  INT. RUSS’ HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO

  ANNA BLACKOVONSKY, a pretty Russian-American girl, Seth,

  STONERS JEFF and STEVE have gathered around Russ. It’s an

  intervention.

  SETH

  Russ, you’ve got to quit, think about your

  family!

  RUSS

  (defensively)

  You don’t know me! Where were you when I

  started? With Lysandra--that’s who!

  Anna breaks out in tears. Seth cradles her in his shoulder.

  SETH

  You see what you’re doing to Anna?

  CLOSE SHOT - RUSS’ FEET

  We see his feet for the first time. He’s wearing HIGH HEELS.

  RUSS (O.S.)

  I can stop wearing women’s pumps anytime I

  want!

  END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

  RUSS (CONT’D)

  Now it’s my turn to return the favor. Tell

  you what, tonight we go clubbing.

  SETH

  Oh, I don’t know.

  RUSS

  (interrupting)

  C’mon! Remember the last time we got

  together in a club, the fun we had?

  FLASHBACK

  INT. CLUB. MEN’S RESTROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO

  Loud TECHNO MUSIC if playing in the background. Seth is

  washing his hands. Russ ENTERS.

  RUSS (CONT’D)

  Seth, hey!

  Seth sees him. They greet each other.

  SETH

  Russ! What a coincidence.

  RUSS

  You know me: I like the night life, I like

  to boogie. You came with Lysandra?

  SETH

  Yeah.

  RUSS

  Righteous, righteous.

  SETH

  Who’d you come with?

  RUSS

  Me and Anna came--wait. I have an idea.

  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two TABLETS. He

  holds them up excitedly.

  RUSS (CONT’D)

  Look at what I got, man: Dissolvable extra-

  strength tranquilizers! They’re legal, and

  they work like Ruffies!

  SETH

  (shaking his head)

  That’s messed up, dude, don't-

  RUSS

  (interrupting)

  No! This is what we do: You slip one in

  Lysandra’s drink, I’ll slip one in Anna’s.

  (beat) This’ll be great!

  INT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE. LYSANDRA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

  CLOSE SHOT - LYSANDRA

  Lysandra’s under the COVERS, asleep. A feminine hand enters

  the shot, lightly touching her shoulder.

  WIDE OUT

  Stripped to her UNDERWEAR, Anna’s covered to her waist,

  beside Lysandra. Her hand. Curious and still half-asleep,

  it explores up her arm, finally resting on her face.
r />   Lysandra, also half-asleep, reaches out and touches Anna’s

  breast. Anna’s hand pets Lysandra’s face again. Eyes

  shooting open, they both wake up and release each other.

  ANNA

  Oh shit--what did I drink last night?

  Damnit--I'm Russian; it could've been

  anything!

  Lysandra rolls out of bed. She’s also just in her UNDERWEAR. She takes some of her CLOTHES off the floor--they’re scattered in a haphazard way--and begins to dress.

  ANNA (CONT’D)

  Let’s never speak of this again.

  Lysandra stops dressing for a moment.

  LYSANDRA

  How was I?

  We PAN OVER to the redlight of a WEBCAM.

  INT. SETH’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

  Seth and Russ are watching all this on a BIG-SCREEN

  TELEVISION. They’re laughing their asses off and eating POPCORN.

  RUSS

  Now they think they're lesbians!

  END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

  SETH

  (nodding)

  Yeah. That was fun. But-

  RUSS

  (interrupting)

  No more arguments! Tonight I’ll club your

  brains out!

  EXT. “THE LOVE VAN” - EVENING

  CLOSE-UP - THE LOVE VAN’S REAR BUMPER

  The California VANITY PLATE reads “LOVEVAN.” BLINK-182’S

  “WHAT’S MY AGE AGAIN?” is booming in the background.

  WIDE OUT

  It cruises along the freeway with Russ driving and Seth

  riding shotgun. It’s not much of a cool ride at all; it’s a

  minivan. In fact, it’s a red Ford Aerostar.

  INT. THE LOVE VAN - EVENING

  Russ is shaking his head to the song playing over the